The Dictionary of Mom

Sadly, I was not the clever one to come up with these funnies, but nonetheless, still a good read. 

 

• Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

• Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

• Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

• Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

• Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

• Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

• Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

• Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

• Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

• Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

• Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

• Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

• Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

• Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

• Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

• Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

• Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

• Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

• Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

• Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

• Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

• Verbal: Able to whine in words

• Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

• Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."